Love and War
by My Animated Imagination
Summary: Oneshot. They say "All's fair in Love and War." But really, what is fair, and what will Spongebob do with that knowledge? Beginning events based loosely on a scenario in my life at the time it was written. Spandy, but not what you would expect.


At Goo Lagoon, there she was, the most beautiful creature in the sea. Sandy Cheeks. And that dashing red lifeguard next to her, was Larry. They had been dating for about a week, the most agonizing week of a young sponge's life. Spongebob saw all of this through his high-powered binoculars. It wasn't stalking, it was considered "watching" in Spongebob's books, which made things less creepy. He slid down into a flat position next to the lifeguard in the tower he was in. He did _not _want to be spotted.

"Uh, what are you doing yellow dude?" the lifeguard asked, perplexed by the "watching" sponge.

"Sssh! Keep it down!" Spongebob spat. "I don't want them to hear us."

"Uh, ok." The lifeguard said, still confused. "Who's "them" and why are you stalking them?"

"It's one of my best friends and her jerk of a boyfriend." Spongebob said. "I'm making sure no funny business goes on between them." Spongebob whispered seriously, picking up a cup from the floor beside him and taking a large slurp of soft drink before setting it back to its former position.

"Uh, do you like her dude?" the lifeguard asked.

"Shut up and guard the beach." Spongebob said, his gaze still fixed on the couple.

"There's nothing going on today!" the lifeguard replied, oblivious to the cries of "I need backup down here!" coming from one of the other lifeguards.

"Oh, what do we have here, slick?" the lifeguard said, "watching" them with Spongebob now. "Looks like red dude's going in for some lip action."

"Luckily I've come prepared for this." Spongebob said, not changing his tone. He took a slingshot from his pocket, loaded a small pebble, and took aim at Larry.

"That's right, get nice and close." Spongebob muttered, setting his sights. Just as Sandy was taking off her helmet, Spongebob let the pebble fly. It was slightly off of target, and hit Sandy's helmet and creating a spider web of cracks and letting water seep in. Spongebob gasped as a flurry of words entered his brain, none which are appropriate for mixed company. He dove down as both pairs of eyes shot up to the spot from which the projectile originated. They spotted the lifeguard, who was now under heat. He just shrugged worriedly.

"Sandy, you're losing air fast, we've got to get you to the Treedome!" Larry shouted, slinging Sandy over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. He sprinted toward the exit from Goo Lagoon, tossing bystanders aside. Spongebob sighed. How was he going to impress Sandy now?

"How am I going to impress her now?" Spongebob asked.

"So you _do _like her!" exclaimed the lifeguard. Spongebob turned to look at him. He pointed at the commotion below.

"I'd take better care of my beach if I were you." He said, hopping down from the tower and sulking home sadly.

Spongebob paced the floor of his pineapple home, attracting a lot of attention from Gary, who couldn't take a decent nap with all of the commotion.

"Oh Gary, how can I get Sandy to like me now?" Spongebob asked sadly.

"Meow." Gary yawned in response, which roughly translated to something along the lines of, "Write her a poem telling her how you feel and compliment her often, using my Shakespeare note cards if necessary.".

"Thanks Gary, and all of that in one "Meow"! You're getting better at this!" Spongebob said, running to his desk in his library. He ascended the staircase and sat at his desk, taking a feather quill and dipping it in a bottle of ink (He wanted to make it look as authentic as possible, so he also took a book of calligraphy from his shelf). Then, he began to write.

"_You are as beautiful as a work of art, as sweet as a piece of fruit, most likely an orange."_

However, that is where he got stuck, for he couldn't find a rhyme for "orange". He looked through all volumes of the rhyming dictionary, and even online, but he couldn't find a rhyme for the citrus fruit.

"Oh well." He shrugged. "At least I used calligraphy, and she'll probably applaud what I've authored already anyway. He sealed it in an envelope with her name on it, and walked over to the Treedome to deliver it to her. He stuck it under the crack of the door, and pushed it through the middle chamber and into the main Treedome with the use of a Goofy Goobers backscratcher, a flyswatter, and his spatula. Once this was done, he fled to the top of the nearby hill and hid in a tree, watching Sandy with his powerful binoculars. That was when it hit him. He hadn't signed his name! He slapped himself in the face over his stupidity, but continued to watch through his binoculars.

After several agonizing minutes, Sandy spotted the letter, and walked over to it and picked it up. She read it, and then said a few things. Oh how Spongebob wished he could hear what she was saying! Then she called to someone else. Spongebob didn't know anyone else was there. Soon, Larry approached Sandy and read the note over her shoulder.

"Larry! What's he doing over there?" Spongebob muttered sadly. At this point, he would have liked nothing better than for Larry to take off his water helmet.

"Larry, come read this and see what you make of it!" Sandy yelled. Larry approached and read the note.

"Well, it's not very well written, everybody knows nothing rhymes with "orange"!" Larry exclaimed.

"Yeah, but I mean who do you think wrote it?" Sandy asked. Larry comprehended this for a minute.

"Maybe it was Spongebob out there." Larry said, gesturing to the tree that Spongebob was perched in. "I mean he _does _seem to have a huge crush on you."

"That may be true, but Spongebob never was the poetic type." Sandy said.

"Ah well no matter, whoever it was, I sure feel sorry for them." Larry said.

"I think my cover may have been blown." Spongebob said. Larry and Sandy were looking in his direction and seemed to be having a conversation about him.

"Now let me just climb down from th- woah, woah, woah!" Spongebob said, arms sprawled out to the side as he fell from the tree. Spongebob moaned as he got up.

"I guess I should try something else." He said, walking back to his pineapple.

He walked in the door.

"Gary, I think I need another approach!" he said, rubbing his posterior, which had absorbed most of the blow.

"Meow."

"Another brilliant idea Gary! Now I just need a chisel and 30 pounds of raw Krabby Patty!" Spongebob said, walking right back out the door.

"It's a good thing the Krusty Krab is closed today!"

"Just a few more chips and I'll be done!" Spongebob exclaimed, chipping away at a block of raw Krabby Patty, trying to shape Sandy's head just right.

"No, her ears aren't _that _big!" Spongbob said, shaving a little more meat off of the ears.

"Her tail is also less brick-like and brushier!" he added, shaping out the tail.

"Almost perfect!" he cheered. "Now all I need is something clear for the helmet". Spongebob searched all around his house for a fishbowl, but came up empty handed.

"Maybe the Krusty Krab has a bowl or jar of some sort." He said. Spongebob ran back to the Krusty Krab. He opened all the various doors and cabinets in the kitchen, and then in Mr. Krabs's office and even the storage area above, but found nothing. Finally, he was able to grab a super size pickle jar and empty the excess pickles into the cash register. He figured Squidward wouldn't mind. He placed the pickle jar upside down over what was supposed to be Sandy's head.

"Ah, how majestic!" he said. "But it does the real thing no justice!" He put it on a cart and wheeled it down to the Treedome. He knocked on the door and ran for cover.

"Hmmm, who could that be?" Sandy asked herself. She opened the doors to be greeted by the quivering, sloppy, meaty statue.

"Larry, what do you think this is? It looks like a weasel in a space suit!" Sandy yelled.

"I think it's supposed to be you!" Larry said. Sandy glared at him.

"Not that you look like a weasel in a space suit!" Larry exclaimed, sweating.

"I'll let you get away with that one, but who would carve me out of meat?" Sandy asked, still slightly irritated.

"That seems like something Spongebob would do." Larry responded.

"That _is _a medium he would use, but Spongebob never really was the artistic type. That's more Squidward's forte." Sandy said, remembering the Krabby Patty sculpture he had made of Pearl upon Mr. Krabs's request.

Spongebob overheard the entire conversation, and walked home sadly.

"Gary, I'm all out of ideas!" he said sadly.

"Meow."

"I forgot all about that! Boy, you're on fire today Gary!" Spongebob yelled excitedly, grabbing some note cards and going back toward the Treedome.

"Meow." Gary responded. He was so humble.

Spongebob knocked on the door yet again. Sandy opened it, Larry standing right behind her.

"Sandy, mind if I say a few of these phrases and see what you think of them?" he asked nervously.

"Sure?" Sandy said, confused.

"Um, 'This is the winter of our discontent'!" he yelled.

"All the world's a stage!" he recited. Sandy didn't quite know how to respond to this. Spongebob finally realized that these quotes were not working, and knew he had to get out of there.

"A plague on both your houses!" he yelled desperately before running in the other direction.

"Well that was sure an odd assortment of Shakespeare." Sandy said.

"He's reciting Shakespeare for you Sandy. Still think he hasn't been the one doing all these things?" Larry said teasingly.

"Oh shut up, Spongebob doesn't like me like that." Sandy said. "I hope."

Spongebob was pacing the floor again.

"I'm lost again Gary. All these attempts have been failures, now I know how Plankton feels."

"Meow."

"All's fair in love and war you say? Well then maybe I've been going at this all wrong, maybe love IS war, in which case I would need a strategic approach, but I can't do it alone. I'll go to the most strategic organism in Bikini Bottom. The grand master of all evil. The best at bouncing back from multiple failures!"

"Meow?"

"That's right Gary, Plankton!"

"So, you need help in romantic pursuits?" Plankton asked, pacing on the table in front of Spongebob in the main seating area of the Chum Bucket. "Why should I help you anyway, what is there for me to gain?"

"Uh, I can pay you?" Spongebob asked hopefully.

"Nonsense, I have no use for your monetary offerings." He said. "But I wouldn't turn down the Krabby Patty secret formula."

"Don't even try that on me Plankton!" Spongebob said angrily, standing up and gesturing at him. "It's not going to work!"

"Darn it!" Plankton said, snapping his finger stubs. "Well it was worth a shot, what else do you have?"

"I could get you a booster seat?"

"Booster seat, hot dog!" Plankton said, perking up. "You've got yourself a deal!" he then said, shaking hands with Spongebob.

"Now, follow me." Plankton said, gesturing toward the door with the "Kitchen" sign above it. They walked into the kitchen, and through several more doors until they reached a room with a large television screen.

"In case you forgot from earlier, this is my lab." He said, gesturing to the golden retriever on the screen.

"And this is my laboratory." He added as they walked into a large room filled with test tubes, technological equipment, and scientific posters all over the wall. Spongebob slightly recognized the area from when he was being controlled by Plankton. Plankton then led him into a small, dark room with a large table in the middle, and tag boards and chalkboards with intricate plans. Maps and diagrams were all over the walls. The room was lit by a lone light bulb hanging from a small chain in the center of the room, over the table. Plankton walked onto a small contraption on wheels that could mechanically raise the platform he stood on so he could reach the light bulb and illuminate the room. Plankton steered his mechanical device over to a chalkboard, and lightly tapped the board, erasing what was written and converting it into tiny dust particles that were released in the air.

"I'm not good with romantic pursuits, but they say all is fair in love and war, and so we're going to look at the situation as if it were a war." Plankton said, drawing a few makeshift countries on the map, all connected in a large continent.

"Let this country represent your mammal friend."

"You mean Sandy?"

Plankton sighed.

"Yes of course I mean Sandy." He said, writing "Sandanavia" on the country made to represent Sandy.

"And let this represent the Lobster, Larry" Plankton said, writing "Laravia" on an adjacent country.

"And this will be you." He said, writing "Spongeavia" on another adjacent country. Apparently he wasn't great at naming countries.

"Now, Laravia's army is now occupying Sandanavia." He said, drawing a few crosses to represent Laravia's army, and arrows from them into Sandanavia. He drew a few crosses and a few circles in Sandanavia.

"Sandanavia's citizens are providing no resistance, and may even like Laravia's army there. That's what we have to fix." He said. "I see several immediate responces. Either make Sandavia's citizens push the Laravian army out, or drive them out yourself."

"I have one question Plankton sir." Spongebob said nervously raising his hand.

"Spit it out boy!"

"Can the Sandanaivian citizens be called, "Sandanites"?" he asked. This irked Plankton.

"Call them whatever the heck you want!" Plankton yelled. "Have you paid attention to anything else I've been saying?"

"Yeah, I just don't know if I can drive Laravia out, I mean look at the size comparison."

"Look at great leaders like Napoleon!" Plankton countered. "Have the rest of the world do your bidding, and you won't even have to face the crustacean! Start a foul rumor about him and spread it all over Bikini Bottom! In the meantime, I'll come up with more plans for when this fails!" Plankton yelled.

"I don't know," Spongebob said. "Doesn't that seem a little mean?"

"All's fair in love in war you twit!" Plankton yelled. Now he was getting angry. "Get a move on!" he added, pushing Spongebob out the door. "Time is money!" he concluded, half expecting Krabs to appear out of nowhere.

Spongebob was pacing in front of Gary for what had to be the fifth time today.

"Hmm, a rumor about Larry spread around Bikini Bottom." Spongebob thought aloud before being hit with an idea. "Plankton _did _say to have the world do my bidding! I'll just have Patrick tell Sandy he heard a rumor, that way I don't have to tell everybody, and Larry will never find out I did it!" he added, running to Patrick's house. He knocked on the hard, rocky exterior.

"What's going on, my house is caving in!" Patrick yelled.

"It's just me, Patrick." Spongebob said.

"Wait, I thought I was Patrick, not you!" Patrick yelled.

"I mean it's me, Spongebob!" Spongebob replied.

"Spongebob's out in the earthquake, I'll save you Spongebob!" Patrick shouted. He lifted his rock and pulled Spongebob inside. Spongebob sighed. Sometimes Patrick was just a little too much for his taste.

"Patrick, could you do me a favor?" Spongebob asked.

"Uhhhhhhhh" Patrick moaned, drooling slightly and staring off into space. Spongebob sighed again and snapped his fingers near Patrick's face to revive him. Patrick started and awoke after a few seconds.

"What?" he asked, looking around the room.

"Patrick I need a favor."

"Well, gee Spongebob, how am I supposed to season you?" Patrick asked.

"I said favor, not flavor."

"Oh, well I guess I could do that."

"Could you go to Sandy's and tell her that Pearl told you that Larry cries during soppy movies?"

"If you want her to break up with Larry, you could have just told me to break them up."

"No, Patrick! Just stick with the plan, trust me." Spongebob shouted. Patrick shrugged.

"It would have been easier my way." He said, putting on his water helmet. They walked over to Sandy's house and Patrick knocked on the door, Spongebob taking cover in his new favorite nearby tree. Sandy answered the door and let Patrick through into the Treedome.

"Howdy Patrick, what brings ya'll here?"

"I just heard the most unbelievable gossip about your boyfriend from Pearl, and thought you should hear about it."

"Shoot."

"Larry cries during soppy movies like a softy!" Patrick yelled, bursting into laughter.

"Aww, it's great that he has a sensitive side." Sandy said. Patrick was silenced.

"So you don't want to break up with him?" Patrick asked, perplexed as usual.

"Not really." Sandy replied. Patrick comprehended this for a minute.

"ABORT MISSION, I REPEAT, ABORT MISSION!" Patrick yelled, running out of the Treedome flailing his arms about. Apparently he wasn't good with unexpected situations.

Spongebob sighed. Now that the plan was ruined, he had to wait for Sandy to go back inside so that he could retreat safely. It turns out that Sandy followed Patrick out of the Treedome, and watched him run away flailing his arms. Spongebob froze, hoping he would not be recognized. As soon as Sandy turned around, Spongebob took off like a shot, running back toward the Chum Bucket. He tripped over several rocks, and continuously had to struggle back to his feet, but he kept running after the cries of "RETREAT, RETREAT!" in the distance..

"The star's stupidity irks me! Look at my eye! Tell me that is not the eye of an irked being!" Plankton yelled at Spongebob. Spongebob couldn't say this, for he did look irked, and this satisfied Plankton, so he went on.

"Well, that burns out another idea, but no matter. We'll make it through this. Now, since you won't dare face the lobster in combat, and she won't push him out of her life, we're going to need to be a little more forceful! Maybe instead of forcing him out, we need to force you in! You need to woo the squirrel!" Plankton said, as if he were giving a speech far more important to the fate of society than it was. Spongebob thought back to what had recently happened when he had tried to "woo" Sandy.

"Plankton, can we skip that part, I already tried to impress her. Didn't go so well." Spongebob said nervously. Plankton sighed as he kicked several pieces of printer paper of the table that were meant to look like important documents. After he took a few minutes to regain sanity, he formulated the last plan his single-cell brain could muster.

"That leaves us with only one option." Plankton said through clenched teeth, trying to stay calm.

"I'll do anything to be with her!" Spongebob pleaded desperately.

"Well, anything is exactly what it will take!" Plankton said. "You have to challenge Larry to a duel. The prize? Honor. And your mammal friend."

"A duel?" Spongebob gulped. "What kind of duel?"

"The highest battle of honor under the sea!" Plankton said. "You will have 3 weapons at your disposal. All you have to do is learn to utilize them!"

"And what would those weapons be?"

Spongebob was in a corner of a large boxing ring in the middle of oyster stadium. Well, in his imagination he was. In reality, he was behind Oyster stadium in a box drawn in the sand with a stick. However, that didn't lower the level of honor that this challenge put at stake. All the people that mattered were there, Plankton (as Spongebob's coach), Larry, and Sandy (who was still unsure about what this was all for). Sandy had wanted to leave, but that problem was solved with five rolls of duct tape and a very uncomfortable chair.

Spongebob was getting a pep talk from his coach. He was sitting in a folding chair, and Plankton was on his platform giving Spongebob a shoulder massage.

"Ok, he's feeling confident about the match, too confident. Look in his eyes to determine his next move and you can't go wrong!" he whispered as Spongebob got ready.

"I don't see why we have to do this, but I'm ready when you are!" Larry yelled from the very center of the box.

"Go get him champ!" Plankton yelled. Then he realized he had forgotten something. "Wait! I almost forgot to remind you! No matter what happens I still get my booster seat!".

The challengers met at the center of the ring, and Plankton rolled to the spot in between them to initiate the brutality.

"Ok, I want a good, clean fight. And a booster seat! Fighters, shake hands!" he called. They did.

"Fighters, go to your respective corners, and come out when you're ready to begin!" Plankton called. They did so, facing away from each other as Plankton rolled outside the boundaries.

The first to turn was Larry, and he turned and walked to the center in ready position.

"Focus Spongebob." he whispered to himself. "Remember, you can't lose. This is for Sandy! And honor." he added. He got up the courage to walk out to face Larry. He got in his ready position, fist tightly clenched.

"Ready!" Plankton called. "Set…. Rock Paper Scissors Shoot!"

The opponents slammed their fist into their other palm with each uttered word, and ended in their final position. Spongebob went with rock, and Larry had a solid scissors. Spongebob had won, but the match wasn't over.

"Point Spongebob! Round 2 ready! Set… Rock Paper Scissors Shoot!"

This time, Larry came out with scissors, and Spongebob had paper.

"Match is set and tied. Game point! Ready, set… Rock Paper Scissors Shoot!"

The final moment was upon us. Larry came out with a rock, and Spongebob had paper.

"The winner of Honor, and the mammal, and loser of a booster seat is Spongebob!" Plankton called out. Larry hung his head in shame. This was a crushing defeat. Spongebob couldn't believe it, he had won Sandy's heart! He immediately ran over to Sandy, untying her from the chair and squeezing her in a big hug.

"Sandy! I finally won your heart after waiting all these years!" he yelled. Sandy stopped him.

"Spongebob, all that you've done is really sweet, and very awkward." Sandy said. "But I don't wager my heart, even on a rock paper scissors match. I'm still with Larry, and I'm happy there." She said. She knew she had crushed him inside, but she walked over to Larry to explain to him, leaving him there. Spongebob stood gaping. He then fell to his knees and buried his face in his hands. He started crying instantly. He tried to stop it, but he couldn't, the tears just came. He had weirded out, won, and then lost Sandy, all in the same day. Plankton wheeled over solemnly.

"This may be a bad time to bring this up, but you still owe me a booster seat." He said. Spongebob didn't look up. Plankton wheeled away, deciding that even evil won't kick a sponge while he's down. Sandy came over with Larry.

"I'm sorry it had to be this way." She whispered in Spongebob's earhole.

"Great match champ, no hard feelings." Larry said, patting him on the back. Then Larry and Sandy walked away, paw in claw, deciding that he would be best left off alone right now. They say all is fair in love and war, but that's only because love actually is war.

Life went on under the sea in Bikini Bottom. Krabby Patties were flipped, Jellyfish were caught, and boatmobiles were driven. Children played, teachers taught, enemies schemed, and friends stayed as such. Plankton never got his booster seat, and Spongebob never gained more than a friendship with Sandy, but maybe that's how things are meant to be.


End file.
